


Shared Trauma

by witchchester



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 3x15, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e15 Coda, Episode: s03e15 Eddie Begins, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, eddie begins, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-02-23 11:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23777650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchchester/pseuds/witchchester
Summary: For a second, Eddie switched sides. He thought about how he’d feel if Buck had been the one trapped down there. He would’ve been livid, but even more so, he would’ve been petrified. Even the idea of losing Buck was overwhelmingly unnerving. He couldn’t imagine one day without him, let alone a whole lifetime.Buck checked in with Eddie, but Eddie should’ve checked in with Buck. He’d been so set on moving forward that he left his closest friend behind.—Or the one where Eddie opens his door and finds Buck, who is clearly overwhelmed and still afraid. Set shortly after 3x15.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 645





	Shared Trauma

**Author's Note:**

> I'm in love with these two. As soon as 3x15 ended, I started working on this. It wasn't meant to be pre-slash, but that's how it happened. I hope that's okay.
> 
> Thanks for reading. I appreciate you.

As soon as the door opened and revealed Buck, Eddie knew something was wrong.

His teammate’s hands were shakily tucked together in front of him, his expression completely blank as he stared at the floor. He almost looked like he was ashamed to be there, even though Eddie constantly reminded him that he was always welcome.

To Eddie’s dismay, the empty look wasn’t completely unfamiliar. Thinking back, Buck had been wearing it when he brought Christopher to his apartment after the tsunami.

That day, he decided he hated that look. Seeing it again only reminded him. Unspeakable pain and Evan Buckley was not a partnership he enjoyed seeing.

It had only been a few days since he’d last seen Buck. With everything that happened, it felt more like weeks. The last time they’d seen each other, Buck had been helping a barely conscious Eddie onto a stretcher. Eddie couldn’t exactly label it a call gone wrong – they saved a kid – but he’d gotten trapped and hurt in the process. To the point where he _almost_ hadn’t made it out.

It took a lot to scare Eddie Diaz, but he would admit that his little escapade had been somewhat terrifying. Most of his fear was aimed towards his son, who’d lost his mother way too soon. What would happen if he lost both? Who would take care of him? Would they know what he needed?

In every crisis, his thoughts always rushed to his son. They always would. While they did stir up anxiety and concern, Eddie was able to draw strength from them too. Thinking about Christopher always gave him the power he needed to keep going. Fighting for himself was difficult sometimes, but fighting for his son? He never faltered. It was always enough to get him to safety. Always enough to get him to the other side.

After waking up and spending nearly all of his time with Christopher, the well incident discreetly slipped behind him. Within a couple of days, it was barely on his mind. When he did think about it, he would remind himself two very important things: Hayden was home safe and so was he. That was all that mattered.

Buck still hadn’t looked up. Eddie wondered if he even knew the door was open. It was troubling, to say the least. Both of them had to be alert for their jobs, and that usually leaked into their daily lives. Something really had to be bothering him if he was _this_ out of it.

Other than a couple of texts, they hadn’t talked much either. Normally, they blew each other’s phones up. Texts, phone calls— Even FaceTime every now and again. They were as close as two people could be. They told each other everything going on in their lives, including the dumb things that didn’t matter.

From the lack of messages alone, Eddie should’ve connected the dots and realized something wasn’t right. After traumas, Buck was known to isolate himself. He didn’t like talking about his feelings on a good day, but during the bad ones? It became unbearable for him.

During one of their late-night conversations, Buck told him that no matter what was going on, holding the weight on his own was always easier. To him, asking for help meant pulling someone else down, and that guilt was too much for him.

It made Eddie think that someone, at some point, had negatively reacted to Buck reaching out. He spent a lot of that night trying to convince him otherwise, but it didn’t go far. Since he couldn’t change Buck’s mind, he just reminded him that he was there. If Buck wanted to talk about something, Eddie would listen. If he needed to be with someone, Eddie would find him and stay until Buck told him to go.

For a second, Eddie switched sides. He thought about how he’d feel if Buck had been the one trapped down there. He would’ve been livid, but even more so, he would’ve been _petrified_. Even the idea of losing Buck was overwhelmingly unnerving. He couldn’t imagine one day without him, let alone a whole lifetime.

Buck checked in with Eddie, but Eddie should’ve checked in with Buck. He’d been so set on moving forward that he left his closest friend behind.

A small, but concerned frown moved to Eddie’s lips. He couldn’t take the silence anymore. “Buck?” He made sure his voice was loud enough to be heard, but quiet enough not to startle him.

With a short flinch, Buck finally looked up. His eyes were an eerie shade of red. Eddie couldn’t tell if it was from crying or exhaustion. He had a feeling it was a painful mix of both.

“Hey, uh—” Buck broke off for a second, his gaze momentarily darting away. Eddie could feel anxiety rolling off him in waves. All he wanted to do was make them go away. He _hated_ seeing him like this.

After clearing his throat, Buck glanced at him again. “Can we talk? Please?” He sounded so _small_.

Didn’t he know that the answer would always be yes? Even if they were in the middle of their worst fight yet, Eddie’s door would always be open. He cared too much to ever close it.

“Always. Come on.” Eddie moved to the side, allowing him to walk in. His eyes didn’t leave Buck once. As soon as they were both inside, Eddie locked the door, then turned.

The question slipped out before Eddie could stop it. “When was the last time you slept?” He was almost taken back by the delicacy within his own voice.

Buck didn’t seem to be fazed, even when he answered with a soft “I haven’t.” Eddie didn’t think he could be more worried, but those two words made the feeling skyrocket inside his chest. Every single internal alarm he had was going off.

The air between them fell quiet. Eddie didn’t know how to continue. He didn’t want to say something that made Buck feel like he was being forced or rushed. They had all the time in the world. Christopher was sound asleep, but it would still stand even if he wasn’t. Buck was his family too.

Buck wasn’t adding anything else in. He was always talking, so the silence was driving Eddie up the wall. “Buck?” He took a cautious step forward, lessening the distance between them.

It was only for a second, but Eddie saw it. Buck’s bottom lip trembled ever so slightly, and that was it. That was all he could take.

“I know that look,” He started, watching Buck through every word. “If this is what I think it’s about, none of it is your fault. You got that? None of it.” Eddie was stern so Buck couldn’t question his sincerity, but he didn’t speak unkindly.

Buck opened his mouth, but nothing but choked off breaths passed his lips. What did he think Eddie was going to say? That he should’ve done more? That he should’ve tried harder? He would _never_ say something like that, especially since it couldn’t be true.

“You don’t understand—” The only thing Eddie could identify in Buck’s voice was pain. Eddie was right on and for once, he hated that he was. How many days had Buck been dealing with all this?

This time, Buck was the one that stepped closer. He accusingly pointed his finger, aiming it straight towards Eddie. “I let them pull you up. I knew you needed more time. I— I didn’t push hard enough.” Buck’s gaze dropped again, his eyes choosing to focus on Eddie’s shirt instead.

Eddie hadn’t talked to his team about what happened. He’d been saving that conversation for when he got back. He was underground when everything went south, so he didn’t know what they knew or how they reacted.

The only thing he knew for sure was that none of it was his team’s fault. They attempted to pull him up when the timer went out, just like they agreed on. Eddie was the one who decided to cut the rope and make their lives twenty times harder. If he hadn’t done that, he wouldn’t have been down there when the tunnels collapsed. It was on him and him only.

Though, he still didn’t regret it. Even if he ended up getting in trouble, Eddie would stand by his choice. Hayden lived because of the decision he made.

“Buck, that is _not_ —”

Eddie was nearing desperate when he cut in, but Buck was quick to retaliate. “You almost died, Eddie!” Even though his voice remained quiet, it suddenly sounded incredibly cross. He was a bit taken back, but Eddie stood his ground. Whatever Buck needed to feel, he was alright with. He just wanted – _needed_ – Buck to be okay again.

“You were forty feet under and I couldn’t save you.”

Without hesitation, Eddie encased Buck’s gesturing hand with his own. Feeling him tremble was a thousand times worse than just seeing it, and he instantly tightened his grip.

“I’m always one step behind,” Buck eventually continued, his volume dropping even further. Like all of his exhaustion swept in and hit him at once. It clearly affected his defenses, marked by his eyes beginning to water. “And I just keep thinking, what if I lost you?” After briefly shutting them, Buck finally brought them back to Eddie. The moment he did, a couple of tears rolled down his cheeks. “I wouldn’t be able to move on from that.”

Lifting his free hand, Buck quickly tried to scrub his face clean. The tears were promptly replaced with new ones.

“I _need_ you here, Eddie. More than anyone.”

How many days?

After letting go of Buck’s hand, Eddie pulled him into his arms. With a _tiny_ but distinct cry, Buck returned the hug, his head settling against Eddie’s shoulder.

“Hey, hey. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” Eddie quietly replied, resting a gentle hand over the back of Buck’s head. He knew that Buck crying and getting his emotions out was a good thing, but it still broke his heart.

Closing his eyes, Eddie rubbed slow circles into the other’s back, and occasionally brushed his fingers through his short, but soft hair. “I need you too. I need you too.”

Eddie didn’t keep track of the time. He let Buck lean against him as long as he needed to.

When they broke away, Eddie brought a delicate hand to the side of Buck’s neck, his eyes looking straight into his teammate’s. “I know you. You always do as much as you possibly can. Sometimes more.” The last part brought a small smile to Buck’s face. It practically had Eddie beaming. “I know it’s hard, but you can’t keep blaming yourself for the things you can’t control. That’s not fair to you.”

Buck looked like he was preparing to fight him on that, but one deep breath and he let it go. Instead, he nodded a few times, yet again moving his hand up to clean his face. Eddie took it as a small win.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Eddie wanted nothing more than to leave that day behind him, but he wouldn’t hesitate to run back if it helped Buck. He would do anything to get him smiling again. If anyone in the world deserved to be happy, it was the compassionate and generous man standing in front of him.

“Maybe.” Buck was still barely audible, but he sounded a little steadier. Another small win. “Would it be okay if—”

Eddie didn’t let him finish. His lips widened into another smile as he moved to Buck’s side. He lifted his arm, wrapping it around the other’s shoulders. “I was just about to have some pizza. You want a slice?”

Considering his current state, Eddie doubted Buck was keeping up with eating. He would fix that, along with everything else… just as long as Buck let him. “I could eat.” Buck’s voice was practically music to Eddie’s ears. After leading him to the kitchen, he pulled the box out of the fridge.

Even though they both had obligations in the morning, they spent the rest of the night with each other. Within two bites, Buck opened up. Eddie listened. During the worst of it, Eddie intertwined their fingers together. They held on a little tighter than they should’ve. Both of them had a feeling it meant something more, but they silently decided that conversation was meant for another day. A better one.

Around five in the morning, after sharing so many secrets and spending so much time laughing at nothing, their energy ran out.

Buck tried to leave, but Eddie insisted he stayed. So he did.

Eddie tried to give up his bed, but Buck insisted he’d only take it if they shared it. So they did.

As they closed their eyes, contently wrapped around each other, Eddie decided that tomorrow would definitely be a better one. Buck did too.


End file.
